The Beginning of My Worthlessness

Random no. between 1 & 286, page 42 of Queer 13: Lesbian and Gay Writers Recall Seventh Grade is part of "The Beginning of My Worthlessness" by Justin Ching. pic.twitter.com/tNF1eLGidJ

— glenncruz (@glenncruz) July 7, 2018

Second of two excess materials from my planned posts on June, pre-selected titles for liwaliw Pages in celebration of LGBT Pride. Random number between 1 and 286, page 42 of Queer 13: Lesbian and Gay Writers Recall Seventh Grade is part of the "The Beginning of My Worthlessness" by Justin Chin. This excerpt caught my eye first, and I felt traumatized after reading through. I even dreamed an ugly dramatization of it. Chin's guardian Aunt Jessie, or Jamesy was described in a later paragraph: "Jamesy was instinctively good at violence. She'd beat us and then go to her prayer meetings and Bible studies."

Here's how Chin concludes, though:

This is what I now know of homosexuality. That it is okay. That it is a sin if done wrong. That it is a better sin if done just right. That the boys who join Drama Club now are still gay, and the ones before them are doing all right for themselves. That it means a life of fear, not for being found out, but for being bashed or killed. That it means a life of courage, of struggle, of real family. That it continually tests what I know of love. That it gave me back some semblance of myself. And that it brought about the end of my worthlessness.

(Inside the Contributors section: "Justin Chin is a writer and performance artist. He is the author of Bite Hard and the forthcoming Mongrel: Essays, Diatribes and Rants.")

Queer 13 is edited by Clifford Chase, with foreword by Dale Peck, and published by HarperCollins. The blurb on the back cover somehow perfectly captures the mixed-up way I feel when I recall memories of my own circa-age-13 days: "[E]very day held the possibility of discovery -- and complete humiliation... a passage into adulthood that was as memorable as it was agonizing."